don't judge me

there;s a lot of anger tht's just fillin in...it's jumpin in and out...i am jumping...physically and mentally...i can't take it any more....it's like an osmosis of anger tht's swelling...it's gettin heavier for my body...it's goin to bloat..it's weghing down on me...so before it becomes difficult to control this spasm of fit, i thought i should just jot it down to coll myself...

there's idiot who's tryin to dictate me and lecture me on the stupidest topic of all:be happy...so i told him to "fuck off,and stop dictatin me around"....then, i havn't started writting my article, and i'm mad bcos of tht too...whatever i have been writting for the company tht i'm working in..is truning out to be trash...not only meant to be thrown in the bin, but burnt as well..i wish all the write-ups were living,just like flesh n blood,so tht i could feel the burning sensation and make me realise tht i have been writting utter shit all through....

right now,i'm writting whatvere is coming into my head...i'm not thinkin...n i'm not goin to change the inccorect speelings or correct my grammatical eror..i just want to write...i want to write crap...it's the anger..i can't take it any more...so,all tht i'm scribblinmg write now, is more like thrwoing up all tht's in my systems...i can even feel the thumping of the keys,it's hard n i'm being harsh with it...i wannna jump into the pool n spalsh water on everyone as roughly as it cabn be...

i can feel the nager dying...i'm tryin my best to calm this thing down...but damn it,i've ran out of wrods...so wat saurabh...or watever ur name is..so what i misspelt it..i care a damn....just buzz off,if u r more concerned with the correction...don't even come here to read it,n then come up with a stupid fucking conclusion tht we write on a similar basis...

hey bro,if u don't wanna read the magazine..or if u r just forcing ur self to do it..then don't...i would prefer tht....under obligation comes no honesty...and tht would mean tht there's no honest response to what u will read when u go through my write-ups...do me a favour,i know u've given up on smoking..but i'm sure tht u still have a stalk of lighter's sitting around collecting filthy dust of mumbai,the most clasutrophobic city...get hold og tht lighter n burn the damn thing down....i'll be happier than u readin it unwillingly...just for the heck of reading...

i don't what's happening now,it's like a breakthough tht has just collapsed within me..i don't know what i'm writting...clueless...but i'm feelin a lil better...i think i'm hungry....

cheers darling to loneliness

just a thought that came by..

it makes u see tht most miss from their daily life...it lets u appreciate what the others would deny with their hands down.....there's magic in the unusual and there's a song tht hums from the deep within where the hands never reach beyond the roots of the most horrifying....

cheers darling!

talk..talk..talk

how much of time is spent in talking...just plain talk...the nonsense goes non-stop...i'm not talkin about conversation....u do that bcos u want to share an opinion or debate over it...all in all,it's just a way of developing friendship or enhance the compatability with the other person....but what if there isn't any need for any of this.Tht's when people just go on and on and on...all those words spoken are not something worth conversing even, they r just preposterous...it just wants to eat u up...n the person who is responsible for it, the so called "gasbag", seems more like a big tank of parasites ready to engulf and devour u at any bloody moment....
how is it that people just go on with it..talk non-stop,completely???
the bus that i travel in has these ladies sitting with me in the driver's cabin who just yap all the time...for that long 40 minutes of travel, it simply goes in yap-yap-yap-yap endlessly, inspite of this that i have the Ipod plugged into my ear,but i still hear them....
yesterday,this watchman was standing at my door with receipt's in his hand...i had to pay him for what what he does...sleep! the exact opposite of what he should be doing..nevertheless,i still paid him,but the minute i asked him about my maid who hadn't turned up for the last few days,replied by sharing with me his long tales of i dn't know what bcos my hearing sensation got numb and tht was simply not amusing...i wanted to throw up on him. I got sick at tht moment bcos i got tired of listenin to all tht crap bcos there was absoluetly no connection to what i had asked him..
he could have simply said, "i dn't know madam" or "i'll try"..instead of this which would have taken like only 2-5 seconds to answer,he took my goddamn 20 minutes of patience,n it was unbearable...i just felt like thrashing him left,right,centre and kick his balls to keep him shut....
after sometime,when i couldn't take his everlasting crap any longer,i literally had to tell him to stop n not to utter another word..i really did tht,n also told him to stop giving me a headcahe...
and now,the gossip mongers are on again...it's like this remote conrtol with the talking buttons sans mute and the volume is increasing. My head is about to explode..it's about to burst..i can already feel the blood spewing out of my head and taste the sense of irritation in it...YUCK!!!!!

1st day of everythin

since yesterday i havn't been able to sleep....10days of notice,and i knew tht my days of struggle isn't goin to be easy....packing and running around to find a new place for myself...all in 10 days....

delhi isn't mumbai...and tht leads to another set of problems for a person like me to find an apt place to live in...a room on rent for a single person sans the owner and his lochagiri..and yes,for obvious reason...SAFE AND SECURE...

today,after not sleeping for 19hrs,i shifted to the new plave...decent looking and kinda safe...intially i found the place a bit depressin (probably because there was this family stayin,as tenants, with kids waling and the whole atmosphere of family living and all was making me sick to the core)..

but after i shifted my stuff to the new appartment,i felt good and relieved...infact,i pretty much like the place now...right now,i'm sitting at the desk of Traffic..and thnkfully my first job tht would pay me good (unlike the ones before this...none of them had the courtesy to pay good inspite of being loyal to the job)..anyhow,tht dsn't bother me anymore...

current position:in need of deep sleep and a bottle of beer,but i', still happy..more than just tht....and i'm glad the scenario is such,cos this has never happned to me before...thnk god for today....

another try

kyun hain tu rutha,
es zindagi se.
kyun hain yeh angeenat baatein,
aur yeh hazaar ranjeeshay...

chodd na yaar!!
aur aa mere saath.
chal jeele es zindagee ko,
kuch mauj mein aur kuch khoobsurti se...

hindi poem..my 1st

door,
rahaa na jayee.
paas,
baha naa jayee..

kab tak chalegee,
yeh dil ki saaz.
kab sunn payongee,
saans mein chupee raaz..

mehsuus kiya hain,
maine tujhe.
o,kathor,
chupaa na is pyaar ko..

layee hain bhadh,
humein tumhare paas..
phir bhi door chale jaa rahe hain,
yeh doobti paani,paani se...

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just read it...i dn't have the apt title for it

sometimes...u don't understand why certain events happen with u...n there are many times when u don't get a clue as to how to smoothen ur problems...u do somethin,which is abrupt and way too honest,or u r giving ur point of view,it goes for a toss...gets rubbed in the wrong way,which is not what ur intention was...all this and u end up feeling guilty about the way u behaved....or in most times,disgusted...

u make an effort to b somewhere...n u don't.....u try to make up with people,but the responses die....u wait for the calls n make preparations to celebrate...nothing happens....u sleep n sleep,try different things on one fine morning..."hey,maybe i can try this", "how about this"..."will i earn enough?"...."will i be able to take care of myself,cos i dn't want to bother my father,whose duty speaks volume,yet u want to do somethin?"....u have survived enough...y not this???

there's no reluctance....n i'm not hesitating...n when the opportunities come,it just goes away without sayin good bye or even have the courtesy to ask u,"hey anjalika,sorry not this time...i apologise...hope u'll do fine...here's wishin u good luck"...i get to hear tht from people, but why is the deed(job) ignoring u....dsn't She have to say anythin about it....

it's a phase where i'm not just growing up,but also maturing from the more or less matured phase tht we all have pass through,which comes right after u r teens...i'm 23...way old enough to drive,vote,drink,go to 'The' parties,i can take my stand n make my decisions....so far,all of it has been done,thoroughly n i have also managed to achieve it and execute it....but there are still so many other things tht r still untouched...u r ready to go for it,but IT dsn't wanna say hello to u....it's more like i've yet to explore more on my own n also about me...

self-exploration is still hanging,but i'm unable to save it.....
tht's when u rely on ur career, n also try to establish ur relationship...but i have none...although it dsn't bother me at all when it comes to the latter...but my talent, my creativity my ability to work, just fades away with just one call.....n then i just sleep n sleep n sleep...

there goes the slumber,indefinately....n tht's unstoppable till i don't get myself together,which is the hardest thing...

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